I haven't had many of those, I've always had some kind of fallback or reserved skill that I could bring to the party, and make myself feel better. Not so true now. I had a big one of those days this evening. I've thought about this tonight, a lot, had a good long ride, had some rich-white-kid-no-real-problems thinking time, and realized something. I don't think I'm all I'm cracked up to be. I'm not a baddass, and I'm not really going anywhere very fast. I'm certainly not very honest with myself. Which brings up another point.
This whole avalanche was instigated by some long hidden honesty. Damaging, hurtful thing. I've been a good liar for a long part of my life. Lost a few friends in high school because of it. Ruined a good couple relationships because of it too. Honesty is something that needs to be out in the open from the very beginning, so that if it is hurtful, it doesn't hurt as much. Of course, everybody else my age already fucking knows this. What the hell?
What the hell man?
I'd try self improvement, but to what end? To get better at my job which some younger asshole can probably do better than me anyway? Being a jack-of-all-trades and a master of none is actually kind of a raw deal. No jobs or careers for jacksmen. My confidence is really at an all time low. I'm not really seeing a point, and yet, all I can think to do is sit here, drink, and bitch. Yay! I've become a lazy drama queen.
Fuck This. Don't comment.
-The0
