Merry Christmas!

I know I shouldn't use just that term, because despite it's pagan origins, it's a theocentric salutation. Oh well. It's that time of year yet again, and this time it snowed! I had a marvelous Christmas, and everyone loved their gifts. My father especially loved his. It sparked precisely the kind of fire I wanted to spark in him.

Dr. Girlfriend made off like a bandit this year. Small gifts, big gifts, she loved them all. I made off quite well as well. I got my hat, some artwork, and a battery charger, in addition to many fine garments. It's been a a good year. Dinner was good, and the company better

I want to wish all of my friends, relatives and loved ones a Merry Christmas. In trying times I have everything I wanted for Christmas. A strong, loyal and enjoyable network.

Merry Christmas!

-The0

Economic Stimulation

I think I am finished with all my christmas shopping, finally. I even got them them all wrapped. My father's gift is going to just magnificent, I hope. Everything has arrived, and it's all in good shape. It's exciting for a different reason this time around.

I have actually taken a big liking to the emotional content of the holiday. To give a gift, and either see the reaction of the recipient, or to receive a hertfelt thanks. With all the thinking, shopping, and preparation work I put into this Christmas, I'm going to walk away with exactly what I wanted. Friendship and warmth. Aaawwwww.

Oh. And a new hat. I want a new hat.

Merry Christmas!

-The0

Post 4, Base64

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-The0

Annuals

Contrary to my best projections, I somehow not only managed to fall happily in love with someone who is perfectly awesome, but I managed to keep her with me, and myself attached to her, for a year. It has been one year since our first date! Fantastic Joy! Yay!

Has it ever occurred to anyone but me how fluid an anniversary can be? You can celebrate the anniversary of any date you specifically remember. First email, first kiss, first date, first year going steady, first year being married, et cetera. So my question among this fluidity becomes, when a couple starts celebrating a new date of anniversary, does the old one become forgotten? Does it have a new meaning? I'm excited to see what the future holds, and frightened to think of how many special days I'll accidentally and brazenly forget.

Our entire evening started out late. we wanted to make a tradition of having drinks at the place of the previous date, a media/art event, and then finish with a dinner at a new place. Sadly, we barely made it to the Arts event in time. The Fantasticks, as presented by the St. Louis Repertory Theatre. More of a "parents" play. There was a really weird song about rape in there. But it was rape in a classical sense, which made it okay. Somehow? Anyway, we were next to the youngest people there.

Dinner we enjoyed at Brio Tuscan Grill. Great meal. Nice crisp salads, creamy pastas. slightly disappointing desserts, but I was stuffed to the gills anyway.

Enough of this Blather! Happy Anniversary, Dr. Girlfriend! I love you!

-The0

I sometimes call her Cindy, too.

After a long and harrowing journey through a forest of self-doubt, fiscal insolubility, dirty work and frustrating emotions, I finally get to give some love to the one who has mostly been there for me almost every day. The one who is always waiting there for me after a grueling day of horrid work.

Aschenputtel. My 1999 GMC Yukon. Pewter. SLT trim package. 5.7 liter Vortec V8. At 186,000 miles, she's old, but she holds.

I got her back in the winter of 2006. She was a replacement for my first truck, RosenRot (Rose Red in German) which through poor driving and inclement weather wound up wrapped around a tree. The details of that story will come forth some day. I missed that truck, and my relationship with this new one was rocky at the start. But we came to terms quite well. She cools me down after a hot day, and heats me up on a cold night. She handles well, and accelerates quickly enough. I've gotten into trouble with her, and gotten out of almost as much.

The name was actually the hardest part about this coming to terms. Following in the tradition of RosenRot, I had to come up with several agreeing factors. Itemized with examples from RosenRot:

• German fairy tale character. RosenRot was Rose Red.
• Name matches with color. RosenRot was red.
• Must have a Rammstein track that matches attitude AND has the word or name. Rosenrot, from the album Rosenrot.
• Name shortens nicely into a nickname. Rosey.

Aschenputtel was the German Cinderella, from the far more brutal Brothers Grimm version. Her pewter tones are grayish and ashy. Her track, Asche zu Asche, comes from the fourth track of the first Rammstein album, Herzeleid. And her nickname, Ashley, has a bit of sultry appeal to it.

I've had a couple of accidents with her, and through a malicious claims adjuster (not lying, he wanted to buy my poor girl as scrap and keep it for himself) she is totaled. A rebuilt wreck, a Phoenix from her own ashes. I will never be able to sell her, and I don't want to. She is my baby.

On Tuesday I gave her a beyond-well-deserved detailing. She gleamed, and when you look at it just right, her chrome bumper smiles back at you. Stay strong, Ashley.

Dr. Girlfriend approved this post.

-The0

'Bout that time again, eh chaps?

Well, in spite of all likelihood, I made it another year. This is the day where every either takes their closest friend and shows him or her the meaning and privilege of that station, or bitches how how their closest friend is either not close enough or non-existent. That's a flowery way of saying: It's Valentine's Day, you're either on a date, or still single.

I honestly had a prediction that I would be single again at this point, but I have been very pleasantly surprised. This year I was of course working on this actual Valentine's Day, but our following day is going to be quite special. We're going to our favorite sushi place, I'm going to give her gifts, and all will be well.

I never did get around to getting the things which have been in my loyal servitude any gifts though. The computer got its upgrade true to schedule, and Ashley, bless her engine, is still churning out the miles. Let's just say it's a good thing I live so close to work. She'll get a treat soon too, I hope

To all of those single out there, I have been through your fire, and I know how it seems. I'm not going to pretend, though. Nothing I can write will really steel you or bring you out of an angry state, or pull you down from your self-made single-seater cloud. If you're brooding, brood. Some women find that sexy. If you're on top of the world, might so well as do what I did last year.

Happy Valentine's Day! I Love You, Dr. Girlfriend!!!

-The0

Why the Hell not?

So I'm sitting here, knowing that it's about that time to make a new weblog post, and I haven't the slightest idea about what to write. I'm dressed, well fed, and slightly overhung. It's a good thing. However, while I had budgeted some time to sit here and think about it, I have this very moment been called into work early. So, off I go. I'll have something after my shift, I hope.

In short, To Be Continued...

* * *

And We're Back!

Well, recent occurrences have prompted me to turn this into an "Update" post. I was working along tonight, minding my own business, when an unexpected text message arrived. To make a short story shorter, I have a date tomorrow night. The lovely eHarmony match and I have decided we shall meet. Joy. I haven't been on a proper date in years, but the timing is somewhat serendipitous.

On my last day off, Tuesday, I enlisted the help of my brother and turned my life into something different. The clutter in my apartment is gone, and my bills are relatively under control. I found out that there is indeed carpet in my bedroom. There are also counter tops in my kitchen. I got a haircut, and I look, feel, and live like a whole new me. I am really glad that this is happening now.

Speaking of now, Now onto concerns. I am not the best person I can be yet. I am currently in search for a second job, whereas my date is about six weeks from being called Doctor. She is a smart vet. I am an angry philosophical worker ant, not yet even capable of self-sustaining. However, to my advantage, I am smart. I have a bachelor's degree in two fields (albeit the same essential field of social science) which I hope to continue some day, and an associate's in another. I am a jack of many trades, and a damn charming person when I try. Please pardon the ego trip. To sum, I fear I'm not in her league, but with a bit of personal work, I could be, and wind up a better person nonetheless.

Second concern, maintaining the new me. I have a bad pattern for getting a new set of skills, objectives, or resolutions, sticking with them for just long enough, and slacking. I'm going to have to actually maintain this new set, because I actually believe that this is a better state than what I lived in before. I will lose the drive eventually, and wind up slacking again. The key is in recognizing the pattern and working against it at a key point (or points.) If more people could do that, many problems and crises would be avoided in my opinion. So, my first defense is telling people that I am going to maintain this new nose-to-to-the-grindstone-and-up-for-a-beer lifestyle. It's like telling people that you're quitting smoking (also incidentally true.) I guess that telling people means that they'll help keep an eye on you, so that they can tell you when you're slipping. You also have to keep up your resolution to them, or risk looking like a tool. There must be other facets to the idea of society helping someone keep their resolve, but fatigue, among other things is keeping me from assuaging the need to think on it longer.

This is all date anxiety, I'm sure. Wish me Luck!

-The0

Deus Ex Kayceedee

It’s been a good week for me, relatively speaking anyway. Now don’t get me wrong, bills still suck and I’ve been exhausted all week, but I’ve had a number of great experiences that I plan to share with you. Followers of XKCD will nitpick me, and people who have no clue what it is will have a hint at how to learn and follow this glorious mindset.

The most exciting one comes first. In my eHarmony profile it says “I’m kind of looking for an XKCD girl,” which can be kind of vague, not to mention esoteric. That’s the beauty of it though. According to the way XKCD followers work, and indeed, as the rest of the techno-savvy world works, if you don’t know what XKCD is, you’re not an XKCD girl. The glory of this little diatribe is, Miss eHarmony Match did not know precisely what XKCD is or means. Does she give up and ask me about what the hell I was talking? No, no she did not. She googled it. She doesn’t even know that what she did there, perfectly qualifies her. I really hope I can win this time around. It’s been harrowing, and a hot nerdette is hard to come by.

Then there’s the second achievement this week. It can define the movement of the techno-savvy as well the self-motivated person who won’t let financial or technical restrictions stand in the way of what he wants. I was chatting with a friend who informed me several times during the chat of what she was doing at the time. These all involved different locations of a house or apartment. I was confused, and then she explained that she was on a wireless laptop. It made me jealous. I wanted to be able to type in bed, or look up recipes in my kitchen. I used to be a die-hard laptop user, but tides changed. I can’t remember why, but I’m positive it had something to do with gaming. My last laptop was purchased for me in 2000 as a reward for good academic performance. It was shuffled around family hands for a bit, and it was my college laptop from 2003 to its death in 2005 from unknown complications. It sat dead and awaiting parting in various boxes until a couple weeks ago, where I had this conversation with my friend. I wanted a laptop again. I disassembled the laptop in a last ditch effort, and located the problem, a destroyed power jack. Though a network of great friends, not only did it get repaired, but rebuilt and upgraded. I type tonight on a 9-year-old resurrected laptop. Total cost to me on this project? $0. That’s living the life in my book.

My cell phone also ceased to operate this week. I was cut off from my constant texts, emails, and my link to my electronic dharma. It really made me realize just how connected I felt to my small egocentric world and how lost I felt without my material trappings. My mother and I went to see how to get it working again, and found out that it would be an asinine amount of money to replace my phone (side note, everyone should check with their extended warranty or insurance provider on their cellular phone. I was apparently dropped the instant I got my last replacement.) We decided that was just wrong, and to search for parts online. We went and bought a cheap little Nokia to act as a “spare tire” that could be used by the family lines should anyone else’s phone break. I eventually learned that what kept me from fixing the phone myself was that I was simply doing my hard reset incorrectly, and I reset my phone. I did lose all my data though. Numerous text sessions from special people, phone numbers, recipe notes and addresses, all lost. The bittersweet lesson is that now though I have my window to my world repaired, I have lost my view. If you’re going to collect data, back it up, daily.

So, the week in summation. I like this girl a lot and I really hope she really reciprocates, because she’s my kind of people. I have built from ashes a new window to my electric nirvana. I have suffered information withdrawal, and I have learned the hard lesson that if you’re going to be the self-motivated information seeker with an unquenchable thirst for new technical, scientific and practical knowledge, do be certain to have multiple copies of it, aye? Live, learn, and love, ladies and gentleman!

-The0

Self-Referential Philosophy a Must

The thought occured a couple days ago that I am not a very good blogger. I'm usually just trying to find something over which to be angry, and trying to flaunt semi-proper grammar. I'm certainly no Cory Doctorow, and the crusade I'm on isn't a popular one. It's actually very offensive, and it's also hard to garner support for a crusade against socially accepted ignorance. Someone must carry the mantle though, and I choose to be that one! Take a stand with me! Sit down and read a damn book!

Back to my weblog though. I get a feeling that this is just my little jewel, if you will. A little thing I picked up because all the other (pseudo-) intellectuals were doing it. I maybe wanted to feel popular. I choose to draw from Saint Thomas More's Utopia. "Similarly, they pick up pearls when they find them by the seashore, and diamonds and garnets that are sticking out of fallen rocks. They never go looking for them though, but only collect them when they come across them by chance. They polish them up and give them to their children to wear. Little children take immense pleasure and pride in such baubles, but when they grow a little older they realize that only kids care about such trifles. Their parents don't have to say a thing. They become ashamed to wear jewelry of their own accord, just as our own children give up jacks, marbles, and dolls when they grow up." Is this collection of ramblings simply a little jewel which I show off to people, so they can see my pride in it? I suppose that if not, my writing and thinking processes will become more refined, and a higher quality post will be delivered unto you. If it is, however, I suppose I'll eventually just grow up, and lose my marbles.

Things are harrowing at this point. The bills are getting more plentiful, and at a rate directly inproportional to the funds. In a bad way. I think I just need to hunker down and do more work. If you keep working, something's bound to turn up, to paraphrase Harvey Pekar. On that note, I do have my résumé floating out there, and I am working on a plan. It involves moving to a cheaper place, and other fiscally responsible moves. More on that as said plan progresses.

As far as something turning up, I have an update. The lovely lady from the land of eHarmony and I have been communicating very regularly. We're in something of a pissing contest to see who can write the longer email, and we have a LOT of things in common. She's a very near match to the dream girl. Her last email to me was 9 pages long. I am, however, starting on that attachment/fear roller coaster. I'm starting to really like this girl, and I'm beginning to hope. That was the last thing that came out of Pandora's box, for the record. Knowing my luck, she'll find another guy before everything is over, or something else will keep everything nice and in it's status quo. That's not the attitude to have going into a possibly great situation, but hey, realism is a option too. Besides, I'm not even close to up to par to chase a girlfriend right now. Not according to my manifesto. But hey, we'll work and pray, and see where it all goes. It sure would be nice to get back in the saddle. 

I have to to sleep, I open tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Questions? Comments? Philosophical inquiries? You know where to put them.

-The0

All Filler, no Killer

It's actually been a good couple of days. I am working near full time, making barely enough money to pay bills, and the band is doing well. I have been given a couple of days off in a row, and I tell you, I haven't been in this good of a mood/gotten this much sleep in well over a year. I am smiling. Hopefully this isn't my mind cracking (it may even be only a temporary thing) but I still need to make a post about something. So what to talk about? Why not music?

The following is a list of songs that I feel would be good "break-up songs." Not that I have had the recent experience of a break-up (there are prerequisites involved for that,) but with Valentine's Day approaching, and some of my readership being single, I figured that this might be of some interest. Linkin Park will not be seen on this list. Everybody already knows "In the End" by fucking heart.

"Vermilion" by Slipknot

This one is pretty clear. If just broken up, all some really want to do is just yell their brains out. This song helps you acknowledge the fact that the one you just had wasn't "the one," and regarding your "one," you may finally be able to tell yourself "She isn't real" and there's nothing you can fucking do about it. Life ain't Disney. Yell about it.

"The Game" by Disturbed

Don't worry, this list won't be all metal. Just most of it. Anyway, the refrain in here is for the man who was dumped or cheated, not the dumper or cheater. "Is she not right? Is she insane? Will she now run for life in the battle that ends this day?" I guess this applies in that all relationships can be seen as a battle which we all will lose until we meet our perfect partner, or at the very least, the person we find ourselves best tolerating. To translate and quote Rammstein, "Sex is a battle, Love is war." Which reminds me...

"Wo Bist Du" by Rammstein

"Where are you" is a song for that poor love-torn soul who just can't find that partner that seems destined for him or her. The assumed protagonist in the song winds up killing himself in a graveyard, and calls it sleep. The minor key of this song, the mournful vocals, and the mere opening lines make this a good song for the sad. Or suicidal. Hell, it's Rammstein, it's automatically a good song. You know what else is a good song?

"Amour" by Rammstein

This is a fantastic song, off of their 4th album, Reise, Reise. It applies with the lyrics of how love is a wild, ravenous beast which cannot be controlled. It preys upon you, filling you with burning desire and crazy longing. And the end of the song, "Love is a wild beast, and you fall into it's trap. It stares into your eyes, binding you in it's spell. Please please, give me poison." Awesome. Tell a guy that's just lost someone that's not what's it like. I'll bet it is, anyway...

"Take It All Away" by Cake

I'd post the lyrics, but that's too long and and it all applies. I will copy and paste the post bridge verse though. "Go, Go ahead and destroy this. Better come with an army. Are you feeling, feeling okay, baby?" It can apply to both sides of a breakup, plus it's got a very sad melody yet again.

"Pure" by Orgy

A lot of Orgy songs can apply to the recently single, but this one seems like it applies best to the very-long-term-recently-cut-short breakup. "You got the best of me when you said you didn't love me anymore." Priceless. I'm also a huge fan of the song "Inside My Head" but I think that more for the guy that's still embracing the memory, not the breakup.

"Right Where It Belongs" by Nine Inch Nails.

I was recently given this song, and I love the hell out of it. If you're looking for distortion, it's there at the end, If you're looking to just sing, this is for you. If you're looking to tell yourself "Maybe it wasn't all it was cracked up to be" just listen and try to enjoy it, sad-face.

"Just So You Know" by American Head Charge.

This is another one of my favorites, but I don't think anyone actually remembers this band. "I wish your body was not so warm to me" shows us that the protagonist misses the hell out of her. "And all it was was something beautiful, when tides and dreams don't seem so tall, at all." Dude, how much more passion could you cram into a final sentence to your ex? That's how I choose to interpret that line. But my best point from this song is where he begins to shout. "You won't save me. I can't save you." The context in which I choose to apply this is something about which I actually feel anger (There it is!) There are people out there who choose to take it upon themselves to find that pitiful excuse for a human and decide that he or she is going to be granted the world and all it's goodness in an effort to "fix" the subject. An example could be that one episode of Family Guy where Brian tries doing magic in order to get a new girlfriend, only to find that she's picked out someone who is a loser (and also not a dog.) It doesn't work. People can't be loved back into shape; it takes hard effort and strong will on their own part. "You won't save me. I can't save you." You can only save yourself. I think it applies anyway.

There are more songs that work really well. Blind Guardian and Nightwish have pepperings of lyrics here and there that can be matched up as you see fit. There are numerous indy bands that have perfect songs for exact situations. It's up to the listener, really. My tastes aren't nearly broad enough to render an unbiased opinion. The comments section is open to all you readers who want to put in your two bits. But just in case you can't reconcile your emotions, and you need to end it all...

"Hotel California" by The Eagles

Get in your car after midnight. Find a not-so-crowded road. Turn on this song (loop it if you have to do so) after you've been going for a little while. It is my stark opinion that before long, you'll have thought enough about everything to want to drive yourself into the nearest telephone pole, wall, or truck.

Don't kill yourself. I don't need the liability.

This is probably to be continued. Have a nice day, everyone.

-The0

Edit: 02/15/2009

One song that I really wanted to mention in the lineup in the first place was this.

"Don't Tread on Me" by Metallica.

Now, this doesn't have so much to do with breaking up. It's just a kickass song to which you can feel angry at someone. It's a war march against your ex, and you can't help but solidify your feelings at the jerk or bitch by shouting "So be it! Settle the score! Touch me again for the words that you'll hear forevermore!" and then you splice in whatever you want to say, at the top or bowels of your lungs. I think it's cool.

This isn't to deny all my lovely commentors. Those are all great tunes for the subject matter. I'm stealing a couple as I type this. Awesome.