I Have Too Small a Plate

Or I have simply piled too much onto it. That's a horrifying way to live a life. Always worrying that you're letting one of many projects fall to the far wayside. I fear I have bitten off way more than I can chew. I have a HUGE idea for a baddass Halloween costume, one which very few people will get. The Zombie Walk is quickly approaching Day Zero, and pre-registration was an utter failure, so I'm worried that it my go belly up altogether. My birthday is approaching, and I was hoping of hosting a LAN party, but I have little to no prep work done for that. All the while, I fall further behind in my blogging. That's what I stress over when I'm not at work. Mediocre Shit.

At least my relationship seems to be doing alright,

-The0

Lunacy

I have many interests, varied and numerous as the fucking stars. They are all very cool, very worthwhile, very appealing interests. The main issue is that I have ADD. These interests wax ridiculous and then, sadly, slowly wane to the periphery. These interests don't cease to be interesting, though. I simply get distracted by another shiny new awesome. Recall my devout interest in robots just over a year ago? I'm able to identify rotor type and purpose, a couple of technical terms, and I can appreciate the effort put into those things. That is all that has come of those hours perusing and researching. It's been happening for a while now, and I'm making certain to recognize it.

The real trouble in all of this is that I think it keeps me from getting farther ahead in life. I get an interest, a will to make something cool happen, and then either interest fades or something new comes up. It's a hell to be able to recognize this kind of pattern, and be next to powerless to stop it. Like someone who has no apparent willpower.

I am going to start working against this. I'm making permanent logs of things I want to do. They call these things "Goals" apparently. A goal that is not written down is but a dream, apparently. So, with my work cut out for me, I need to prioritize, and make daily efforts towards my goals.

I didn't mean to get all preachy just then. It would seem my current goal is to start making goals, to the end of getting my life together.

...Again.

-The0

Monthly Report 2

Well, there's not a lot to say. I'm alive, I'm very frustrated at work, but the bills are under control, mostly. This says to me that I must be treading water quite well, but I much prefer to swim. I'm actually not fond of swimming, come to think of it. I wonder what the metaphor for getting completely out of the pool is.

My good friend Ben is visiting right now, and it's nice to have company after a long day of work. Someone with whom to share a beer and play video games. He decided to extend his visit to cover both of my days off, so we get to spend some good time hanging out.

The leader of the band, Kurt, and his wife celebrated a birthday together recently. That was fun to attend. Good beer, good times.

The amount of overtime I have been getting recently is astounding, and makes for quite a bit extra in the bank. I was thinking about maybe getting another bike, a stylish one, or upgrading the old computer here. We'll see how that pans out. It goes pretty tantamount against the teachings of Dave Ramsey, a financial makeover guy I've been reading from lately. However, if this suck is going to suck like it sucks, then I want to have some fun at some point.

End Monthly Report 2.

-The0

Rammstein & Amerika: Cold Shoulders

So, in my post regarding Rammstein's latest video, I related what it was like to see my beloved Rammstein live. A total joy, of course. The images still burn in my brain, their Mutter world tour. But the sad fact is that was very nearly nine years ago. I'm beginning to fear I'll never be able to afford to see them again.

Why? Because for some reason which I cannot understand, they haven't visited America since then. I might say it's political, or something wrong with their fan base. The simple fact remains that unless I pony up the cash for a trans-Atlantic trip and concert ticket, I might never get to see them live again. Long lost would be the days of smoke, fire, tinnitus, and strange fluids.

There may be a bit of hope on the horizon though. They have a Facebook fan page, which I have of course joined. This fan page endorses yet another fan page. One of those "If 1 million people join, then..." pages that rarely seem to work. Still, it IS the endorsed page, and a man can dream. Won't you help us? Won't you help yourself?

-The0

Money Kills.

Let's get this out of the way first. I love money. I love that these little electronic numbers and green slips of paper get me toys, food, and occasionally out of trouble. This issue is, I have only found one way to make these things accrue.

Working. And for the time being, I hate working. Pains in the ass, forever-irritable managers, stress abounds always. It's like no matter how early before my shift I pop in (free of pay, by the way) there's always some new issue, some other thing which has to be done, or some emergency which will become my responsibility. A lot of the joy from my job has been removed, and the art of it all is feeling beyond dead.

As much as I hate working though, I hate being broke more. I think. It's a definite conundrum, especially in that I don't think i'm making enough friggin' money to get toys AND food AND stay out of trouble. I already got rid of toys for my daily needs list, and food is scarce. Morale low.

-The0

Not Smart.

I had my wisdom teeth taken out recently. You remember when I mentioned that horrible chip in a molar after I had my foot butchered? It turns out that was simply a portent into worse times to come. I went to a dentist to see what could be done, and well, it turned out that nothing could be done.

Without grossing you out too much, my mouth was apparently a mess. I can remember previous visits to the dentist, but I haven't a memory of my last dentist visit. Doctor Teeth said he wanted them removed so that he wouldn't have to end up repairing something that would probably break again. I can't afford to have any of this work taken care of anyway. I might as well have chosen to leave them in.

The oral surgeon was a good acquaintance, I learned, and after a little consultation, he went to work early in the morning. Novacain is a bad ass painkiller, and significantly cheaper than anesthesia for an hour. I was very thankful to the following things during the procedure: iMetal ear-bud headphones, for being able to overpower the grinding sound in my skull, DJ Tiësto and his continuous In Search of Sunrise track, for being a soothing yet distracting track, and the 4th generation iPod, for being easy to use when you can't move. The literal thought of what was happening as I felt the vibration was terrifying, like a good horror movie.

On the first run, the doctor missed a little bit of root on the right upper molar. He opened me back up, and drilled the last of it out. This is my main irritance, because when he did this he perforated into my lower sinus. Such a communication between my mouth and sinus makes it impossible to play my saxophone. At least, play it well. I can't build up the pressure needed to play the lower notes at all. It's maddening to have this shit not heal. I'm very concerned that I'll miss out on playing my favorite instrument forever. If I do, I'm not certain who to blame, but I promise, I'm going to burn something expensive to the ground.

After all this pudding and soft food I was required to eat, I did get a good sense of what was at stake. I had to have some meat one day. Had to, avoiding it wasn't an option. I crammed a Reuben into a food processor and ground it into paste. It was awful. Flavorless, without texture, and pretty much just sick. I ate it, but if I don't wind up caring for my teeth, I'm going have to eat that every damn day by the time I'm 50.

No thanks.

-The0

Stitches

There are memories that each person has, be they good, bad, bitter or sweet. Some are a healing presence, and every time you think back to them, you feel better, empowered, and can't help but smile. Others are scars, reminders of hurt long or recently past, and teach us a lesson or refrain us a twinge of frown when reflected. Memories are key to helpings us be who we are, and I am pleased to say I have many memories over such a relatively short period of time.

I have one memory that doesn't really fit the previous metaphor. This memory is more like broken glass, stuck deep within the skin. Any looking at the scar lets me know it's there, but any scuffling of the area starts a new cascade of pain and subsequent healing effort to be expended.

This scar I got long ago, nigh on 9 years ago. It was probably through a series of my own blunders and assumptions, but suffice it to say, it hurt me badly. Psycho-scarring, and nearly in a life-ending way for me. This was folly, but it wasn't the end of the wound.

I made several attempts to convert the memory, try to make it from bad to good. 3 attempts to be precise. These ended unhappily, and the glass went deeper than could be retrieved out of me on the last of them. I lost many happy things to this memory, most again to my own folly, and I'm happy to see it undisturbed.

Recently, it got disturbed. Not scuffled, just scratched. I'm not happy about it, and to try and protect my meager façade of happiness and integrity in front of a warehouse of messy and hateful boxes, I'm not going to go into details regarding what exactly I'm talking about. It's supposedly in the past, and nothing can change it.

To sum my shard of reflection, I think I would rather have been in a train wreck than to endure all this. It heals better, makes for a better story, and doesn't cost you nearly as much.

-The0

Intelligent Design

Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like you are getting progressively more stupid? I think I have been having more and more of those lately. It's not much of a comfort, but apparently, there are different types of intelligent, and I believe I just need to find the one that fits me best. In the meantime, damn, do I feel dumb.

I know I said this was a work in progress, but honestly, I didn't have much else to say. I had an awesome idea that I would love to make come to fruition, putting off the robots for a while. It's good metal work practice though, so pictures to come if I can get it together. Secret-ish Project! Oooh!

I finally have a Java book headed my way, so we'll see if that fits my intelligence style. Joy!

Off to sleep!

-Theo

Why the Hell not?

So I'm sitting here, knowing that it's about that time to make a new weblog post, and I haven't the slightest idea about what to write. I'm dressed, well fed, and slightly overhung. It's a good thing. However, while I had budgeted some time to sit here and think about it, I have this very moment been called into work early. So, off I go. I'll have something after my shift, I hope.

In short, To Be Continued...

* * *

And We're Back!

Well, recent occurrences have prompted me to turn this into an "Update" post. I was working along tonight, minding my own business, when an unexpected text message arrived. To make a short story shorter, I have a date tomorrow night. The lovely eHarmony match and I have decided we shall meet. Joy. I haven't been on a proper date in years, but the timing is somewhat serendipitous.

On my last day off, Tuesday, I enlisted the help of my brother and turned my life into something different. The clutter in my apartment is gone, and my bills are relatively under control. I found out that there is indeed carpet in my bedroom. There are also counter tops in my kitchen. I got a haircut, and I look, feel, and live like a whole new me. I am really glad that this is happening now.

Speaking of now, Now onto concerns. I am not the best person I can be yet. I am currently in search for a second job, whereas my date is about six weeks from being called Doctor. She is a smart vet. I am an angry philosophical worker ant, not yet even capable of self-sustaining. However, to my advantage, I am smart. I have a bachelor's degree in two fields (albeit the same essential field of social science) which I hope to continue some day, and an associate's in another. I am a jack of many trades, and a damn charming person when I try. Please pardon the ego trip. To sum, I fear I'm not in her league, but with a bit of personal work, I could be, and wind up a better person nonetheless.

Second concern, maintaining the new me. I have a bad pattern for getting a new set of skills, objectives, or resolutions, sticking with them for just long enough, and slacking. I'm going to have to actually maintain this new set, because I actually believe that this is a better state than what I lived in before. I will lose the drive eventually, and wind up slacking again. The key is in recognizing the pattern and working against it at a key point (or points.) If more people could do that, many problems and crises would be avoided in my opinion. So, my first defense is telling people that I am going to maintain this new nose-to-to-the-grindstone-and-up-for-a-beer lifestyle. It's like telling people that you're quitting smoking (also incidentally true.) I guess that telling people means that they'll help keep an eye on you, so that they can tell you when you're slipping. You also have to keep up your resolution to them, or risk looking like a tool. There must be other facets to the idea of society helping someone keep their resolve, but fatigue, among other things is keeping me from assuaging the need to think on it longer.

This is all date anxiety, I'm sure. Wish me Luck!

-The0